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This morning I was walking through the cold, blustering winds of my hometown. I smiled at a passerby, and they vomited immediately. I thought to myself, has the world really come to this? Why doesn't anybody smile any more? Is it because of iPhones?

The next thing I knew, I was offering them a job. MY job. Can you believe it? This person just excreted their bodily fluids onto the pavement. The pavement I was walking on! Truly I am an example of altruism so magnificent that even Jesus Christ himself would seem like a love-child between Hitler and Trump in comparison (I'm economically right-wing, but socially? Trump is a huge bummer and a Mean Guy! Send me hate for that if you like, but I'm warning you, I've read every history and politics book published in the last 3 years AND I took debating in primary school.)

Anyway, here is a photo I took at the charity event I held for the poor bastard:

As you can see, he's seen better days. I gave him all my clothes (INCLUDING my limited edition batman track pants) cooked him dinner and let him fuck my wife.

I guess what I'm saying, dear network, is don't ever forget what a great person I am. Ever. I'm serious. You'll regret it Linda.